Modern Australian

Why Kid’s Resilience Is Better Than Being Smart


You might hear the word resilience and think of your child being able to overcome big issues, like the death of a grandparent or moving house, but resilience has roots in everyday life too.

Starting small helps your child learn how to overcome the everyday stresses, like getting an answer wrong in class, losing a school hat (again), not being invited to a birthday party or feeling like everyone else understands the maths problem but them.

These tiny little everyday challenges are where your child builds resilience allowing them to grow and learn, not just now, but for their whole life.

What is Resilience?

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from setbacks. Life is not perfect, which can be a hard lesson for anyone to come to grips with but especially for kids who are still learning to see the big picture.

When kids see that they are in control of their emotions, efforts and long-term outcomes they can work to find solutions to the trickier problems to reach their long-term goals and stay motivated.

Resilience is simply about asking the right questions to reveal new opportunities and outcomes rather than believing they are the cause of a difficulty or the reason for something not going to plan.

Where Does Resilience Come From?

Some kids are more naturally inclined towards resilience than others, but every child can learn with patience, support and consistent reminders that they can do anything they put their mind to.

Resilience doesn’t come from being smart or being clever, just the opposite, it comes from determination, commitment and a positive mindset. In many cases, kids who aren't naturally smart can show more resilience than a ‘smart’ child because it doesn’t come as easily to them, they have to work for it. This builds up problem-solving skills they can apply to other tasks in life to see that by pushing through, trying again and believing in their ability to get there, they can outpace smarts and see incredible results.

It can seem like a good thing to say to a child, “Wow, you are really smart!”, but a child has no control over being smart (or beautiful or clever). If that same child later gets a poor result on a test, they might decide, “I’m not smart anymore”, rather than finding solutions like:

  • * I can study harder next time

  • * I can ask my teacher how to do this

  • * I can see what my friends did that worked

  • * I can practice more

They also might become stressed about having to perform exceptionally well in all future tests to prove how smart they are, creating undue worry and anxiety, when all they really need to do is give it their best shot.

Instead, you can tell a child, “Wow, I see how much effort you put into that, well done”.

How to Build Resilience in Children

Building resilience in kids is a two-way street, as well as teaching and encouraging these techniques in your kids, live them yourself as part of your everyday life so they can see it in action.

  • * Map your goals and the different ways you can achieve them

  • * Accept that change happens (and is happening) all the time

  • * Think positive thoughts (about yourself and other people)

  • * Be kind to yourself with nutritious food, practice good hygiene and live and work in a clean environment.

  • * Make a list of things that help you feel calm and do these activities when you are struggling with a challenge

  • * Try to see things from different points of view to expand your problem-solving skills and empathy

  • * Learn from mistakes - there’s always something positive to take out of it.

  • * Keep trying, which may mean you need to alter your technique to see a different outcome

  • * Look for the positives in the situation, when one door closes another one opens, find it.

  • * Talk to someone if you get stuck or lost

  • * Get help when you feel like things are getting out of control and nothing else is working

Building resilience in children prepares them for an incredible adulthood where they see outside the problem, rather than get caught up in it, and can apply their natural strengths and abilities as well as continue to look for and develop new ones.