Parents say ‘good girl’ and ‘good boy’ all the time. Here’s why you should try and say something else

Good girl! Good boy!

Parents, relatives and teachers say these phrases all the time and mean them positively.

They may use it when a child puts on their shoes when asked, when they draw something interesting, or get a maths question correct.

But this kind of language may not always be healthy or helpful. One issue is it doesn’t actually give children clear feedback on what they just did or said.

What could you say instead?

Praise and parenting

Praise has been seen as a key part of raising children for decades. In the 1950s, influential US psychologist B.F. Skinner believed rewards, including praise, positively reinforce desired behaviours.

In the 1970s, amid rising interest in self-esteem, psychologists and other child development experts emphasised the importance of praising children.

But since the 2000s, psychology research has moved away from seeing self-esteem, and hence praise, as central to a child’s wellbeing.

Early childhood education has similarly shifted towards children having a positive sense of identity instead. This means children having a sense of safety, belonging and capability, rather than a strong opinion of themselves.

Nevertheless, praise is still frequently mentioned in popular advice to parents.

Different kinds of praise

Some psychology researchers have defined praise as either informational (telling children about their strengths and actions) or evaluative (telling children whether or not they are good enough).

In a similar vein, US psychologist Carol Dweck categorises praise as “person praise” or “process praise”.

Person praise focuses on stable characteristics such as personality or appearance. Process praise focuses on behaviours or effort directed towards achieving an outcome, such as learning to ride a bike or a baby taking first steps.

Research has found person praise can decrease young children’s motivation to challenge themselves and lead to feelings of helplessness if they fail.

In contrast, a long-term study of children whose mothers used process praise showed these children were more likely to be confident in preschool and later in primary school.

Process praise is informational, giving children feedback on their efforts and strategies in achieving an outcome (“I can see by your puffing how hard you ran in that race”). Person praise tends to be evaluative, often where there is little possibility for change, or only after success (“What a winner!”).

Seeking approval or seeking improvement?

More broadly, constant praise may mean children unconsciously feel they are doing things for adult approval, rather than for themselves.

This can work against the development of self-regulation and a healthy sense of identity.

Adults who over-praise (particularly evaluative or person-focused praise) may assume children need external rewards to do the right thing. This doesn’t enable children to make good choices on their own.

Recent research suggests inflated praise, using words such as “incredible”, “amazing” and “wonderful”, can foster narcissistic traits by causing children to have an unrealistic sense of their own competence.

This can lead children to become upset or angry at failure, partly because they perceive their worth to be conditional on meeting adults’ standards. So, counterintuitively, inflated praise can lower self-esteem.

The gender question

“Good girl/boy” also raises other issues around gender identity and self-esteem.

Research involving adults found men are more likely to see praise as informational (reflecting their competence) whereas women are more likely to see praise as evaluative (implying their need to conform to set ways of behaving).

Studies of children that compared boys’ and girls’ responses to praise also found girls tended to respond more negatively to evaluative praise.

While some of this research is decades old and done in the United States, it is interesting to think about why this might be, and whether it relates to how we socialise children into gender roles. What kind of unconscious messages are we communicating through our praise?

What should parents be doing instead?

Three principles can support a healthy approach to praising kids.

1. Give children realistic feedback about their behaviour or actions. For example, “Well done. I can see you’re trying there with your kicks” as opposed to “Amazing kicking! You’re a superstar!”

2. Focus on children’s own learning or improvement rather than on competing with others For example, “Next time, when you play that piece, how about trying it faster?” rather than “That wasn’t as quick as Sophia can play it”.

3. Use praise that shows children they are valued regardless of what they may or may not do. For example, “Well done! I know you studied every day for this test” as opposed to “You’re Dad’s straight-A angel!”

These approaches all support confidence, empathy and resilience in children – qualities we all need in our complex world.