Why won’t my abusive parent admit they were wrong and apologise?

Former tennis champion-turned-commentator Jelena Dokic this week revealed she had sought to reconcile with her abusive father as an adult. He never, however, apologised or showed remorse for the physical and psychological abuse he meted out to her throughout her childhood.

“In fact,” she told the ABC, “he said he would do it all again.”

As a psychologist, I found his response shocking but sadly unsurprising. Many parents and caregivers who abused their children will never apologise for the harm they have done; many won’t acknowledge or admit the abuse happened at all.

For the millions of victim-survivors around the world, this can be incredibly confusing and confronting. It can be hard to stop seeking that acknowledgement and apology from your abuser.

So, why does this happen, and what can victim-survivors do?

Shame and silence

Victims of child abuse often find denial by perpetrator or family protectors who dismiss and shift blame deeply traumatising. Feelings of powerlessness, fear and self-blame often follow.

It’s natural to want an apology; as history shows, apologies matter.

But apologies are deeply tied to shame for both survivors and their perpetrators. A genuine apology requires a shared understanding of what happened and why it was unjust.

Many perpetrators, however, lack self-confidence, impulse control and empathy. This often manifests as a string of failed peer and marital relationships marred by abuse, dysfunction and distress.

They may also genuinely believe corporal punishment is an effective method of disciplining a child. A vast body of research shows it causes many more problems than it solves.

Sadly, many parents who abuse were also abused as children themselves. They may believe the abuse they dished out was “nothing” compared to what they received, which (in their mind) justifies their own behaviour.

Things can get even more complex when the parent is abusing drugs or alcohol; their child may need to take on a lot of responsibility at a young age. This is sometimes referred to as “parentification” (when the child has to parent their parent).

An apology shifts the weight of blame from victim to perpetrator. But what can you do if your abuser refuses to accept blame?

Don’t expect the person to heal you

Start by understanding that what happened to you wasn’t your fault.

Ask yourself whether it’s actually helping you to wait for an apology from someone with no capacity, intention or ability to provide the apology you deserve.

Think carefully about whether you still – consciously or unconsciously – seek your abuser’s approval, and where else in life you can find that approval or acceptance.

Don’t expect the person who hurt you to heal you. You are able to pull yourself out.

Find people who believe you and share your story. Talk to a trusted family member or friend, or therapist. Recovery from maltreatment can be enhanced with therapy, including interventions involving family and child-focused interventions and parent training.

Ending intergenerational abuse isn’t easy, but it’s possible

Research has shown abusive parents can process their own past traumas and vulnerabilities.

Talk therapy with a psychologist or other mental health provider is particularly effective for parents who have experienced maltreatment themselves, especially when unresolved personal trauma may hinder acknowledgement and an apology.

But keep your expectations realistic.

If your abusive parent acknowledges your trauma, then they have to admit they failed you in some crucial way. Many are incapable of admitting this truth to themselves – but others, with the right support, might be able to take that step.

If your abuser can’t or won’t, do not let their internalised shame keep you in darkness.

Believe in your own intrinsic goodness and work to rebuild connections with yourself and others.

If this article has raised issues for you, or if you’re concerned about someone you know, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

The National Sexual Assault, Family and Domestic Violence Counselling Line – 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week for any Australian who has experienced, or is at risk of, family and domestic violence and/or sexual assault.