Lonely? Here’s how to connect with old friends – and make new ones

Loneliness is quietly emerging as one of the most significant health issues in Australia, and it can affect people of all ages, backgrounds and life stages.

Long-term survey data released last month showed the number of Australians who agree with the statement “I seem to have a lot of friends” has fallen noticeably since 2010.

The way we feel about the quality and quantity of our relationships matters. Loneliness is a subjective experience: it’s the gap between the social relationships we desire, and our actual network.

So, what can we do about it?

Loneliness is often compounded by economic and social factors, which are not down to individuals to fix.

But if you feel like your friendship circle has shrunk in recent years – and it bothers you – it might be time to refresh your approach. Here’s what you can do, and why it’s good for your health.

How friends affect health

There is a strong relationship between loneliness and psychological distress.

In contrast, adult friendships – especially high quality ones that provide social support and companionship – can protect against mental health issues such as depression and anxiety.

Friendships can also reduce how strongly the brain reacts to stress, shown to help protect people’s mental health after experiences of adversity.

In fact, having friends and social connections has even been linked to physical health benefits such as lower blood pressure and a healthy BMI.

What you can do

As adults, we often find it harder to make friends than when we were kids.

We’re busier. But many of us also find it harder to trust new people and may fear rejection.

Illness, disability or reduced mobility – as well as financial stress – can also leave us more socially isolated.

So what can we do about it?

Get involved

Activities based around a shared community can be a great way to meet people with similar interests. You could join a local running group, yoga class, choir or language meet-up, or try dining with strangers via websites such as Timeleft and The First Round. Many book clubs and craft groups meet in person or online.

Volunteer

This can be a way to meet new people of different ages and make friends. Volunteering increases opportunities for social interactions and can positively influence your wellbeing, sense of identity and belonging. There are many ways you can volunteer without leaving the house.

Put in the time

Researchers in the United States have tried to quantify how long it takes to build a friendship, estimating it takes roughly 50 hours of shared contact to move from acquaintances to friends.

Most of us also know when we don’t spend quality time with a friend we may fall out of touch – even when we haven’t fallen out.

You can start by setting aside ten minutes a day to focus on nurturing your friendships or rekindling old ones. It can be something small: sending a text, forwarding a funny video, sending a voice memo or giving someone a quick call.

Be prepared to be vulnerable

Listening and sharing personal parts of your life can help strengthen your bond, and move you from talking about what you do to also talking about how you feel.

It’s a good idea to start slow, and gradually build emotional intimacy. Be attentive if someone shares something personal and follow up with questions to show you care. You might find yourself sharing similar experiences.

Take the leap and reach out

Research shows people are surprisingly hesitant to reach out to old friends. But they tend to overestimate the awkwardness of getting in touch, and underestimate the positive feelings it generates – both for them and the other person.

Most would prefer the other person initiate contact. So take the leap, and next time something reminds you of that person – a place, a song, a photo – send them a message. Or just try a simple: “Hi, how are you? It’s been a while since we’ve last spoken and you crossed my mind.”

Remember – not everyone has to be a ‘best friend’

While close friendships are important, don’t forget that day-to-day social interactions can also help us feel less lonely.

This might mean a quick chat with a neighbour, or greeting the regular barista at the local coffee shop.

Evidence shows these “microconnections” are also important for boosting mood and a sense of belonging, and even provide support when we’re struggling.

So, if loneliness feels overwhelming, and trying to make new friends feels too big, it can help to start small and be open to unexpected connections.

Loneliness is a normal, natural emotion, and we don’t need to feel ashamed of it. But it sends an important message: we need connection.

Read more: Why you should treat workplace friendships like your diet – aim for balance and variety