Adults like to talk about ‘big school’. This can make the change seem scary for some children

Starting school is a time of great anticipation and excitement for young children and families. The buildup can last for months as children go to orientation days, and families prepare with new uniforms, bags and lunch boxes. Significant adults in the child’s life are eager to celebrate this time.

As anticipation builds, excited adults often ask children questions about starting or going to “big school” next year, and remind them of the changes that being a “big school kid” will bring.

Though well-meaning and aimed at building excitement and preparation, these statements can actually make the move to school feel big and scary for children. How can you talk about school instead?

A big change is coming

It is natural for children to have some anxieties about starting school. This is a significant milestone and time of change. There are new teachers, peers, routines, classrooms, playgrounds and rules to learn.

For children who have gone to long day care or preschool, there is a a shift from play-based learning to a more formal, teacher-led model. For children coming from family care, starting school may be their first extended time away from home.

Research shows children starting school may feel anxious for varied reasons, including separation from parents, uncertainty about what will happen, or not knowing their teacher or where to put belongings.

While specific data on the number of children who experience school-entry anxiety is not available, the most recent Australian Child and Adolescent Survey of Mental Health and Wellbeing reported 6.9% of Australian children aged four to eleven experience an anxiety disorder.

So, while many children will be excited about starting school, eager to meet new friends and learn new things, others will be worried. And talking about school as “big” may exacerbate these concerns.

Adults like to talk about ‘big school’

Before children start school there is inevitably a lot of interest from others around them. Parents, other relatives and educators will often talk about what “big school” will bring. They may use this term to emphasise how children are growing up and are about to embark on an exciting new chapter.

Statements such as “at big school you won’t be able to wear your Bluey t-shirt” or “you’re a big school kid now, you need to open your own lunchbox” are commonly heard as adults seek to make children aware of the changes the transition to school will bring.

While these comments are typically well-meaning, they often inadvertently frame changes associated with starting school as negative by focusing children’s attention on challenges. For example, what they will no longer be allowed to do, will need to learn to do, and will not have their adult to help them do.

This is opposed to the positive experiences school will bring. For example, the new and interesting things they will learn, new equipment they will play on, or the delicious foods they will be able to order at the canteen.

What can parents do instead?

To build children’s confidence and strengthen their capacity to successfully manage this change, here are some suggestions:

• encourage children to share their thoughts, feelings and questions about starting school. For example, “what are you most excited about learning when you start school?”, “what do you think you will do on your first day at school?”, and “who do you think you could ask to help you open this at school?”

• keep in mind children’s perspectives may differ from adult concerns. “Will I need to wear shoes all day?”, “do the toilets have doors?”, “will the teacher know my name?” and “what if I don’t know what to do?” are common questions and important things to know!

• read books about starting school and talk about the characters, their experiences and feelings. Asking questions related to a book, such as “when the pigeon has to go to school, do you think he feels nervous or excited?” give children language to discuss their own feelings

• ask your school if they have any “social stories”. These are created by schools and use photos or images alongside simple language to describe what school will be like. For example, “this is where I put my bag in the morning. Then I go and meet my teacher here.” This information builds children’s familiarity with the school and its routines which is great for reducing anxiety caused by the unknown.

Parents may also be worried

You may have your own anxieties about your child starting school. Perhaps you are worried they may forget things, or that they’ll get upset or not behave as well as they should. Avoid discussing your own worries in front of your children.

Instead, use strengths-based language that highlights what the child can do.

For example, when we say to a child “You are going to have to remember where your bag goes at school”, we point out a challenge. When we say “It might be tricky to remember where your bag goes, you work on tricky puzzles all the time though! Let’s think about what you could do to solve the bag puzzle” we recognise the challenge, and the child’s capacity to address it on their own.