How to get through the festive season when you’re estranged from your parents

As Christmas approaches, many of us are busy making plans to spend the day with family – organising travel, buying presents and looking forward to (or perhaps dreading) long-held traditions.

For others, this time of year also brings a resurgence of grief as we face Christmas without family. This can be the result of distance and death. But for many, it’s due to family estrangement, though this often goes unspoken.

What is family estrangement?

Family estrangement is a deliberate and sustained termination of communication between family members, initiated and maintained by at least one person.

Research suggests estrangement is far more common than we might imagine. Of the limited research available, most studies focus on parent-child estrangement.

While there are no reliable Australian prevalence estimates, a recent study from the United States found 26% of adult children reported a period of estrangement from their fathers, and 6% from their mothers.

Comparable figures have been reported in Germany, where around 20% of adults reported at least one period of estrangement from their father, and 9% from their mother.

Why it happens

Estranged parents often attribute the cause to external factors, such as divorce or their adult child maintaining relationships they disapprove of.

For some families, this disapproval may be tied to sexuality, with a US study revealing gay, lesbian and bisexual adults are more likely to be estranged from their fathers than heterosexual adults.

Adult children paint a different picture. In research interviews, they describe an enduring sense of disconnection from a parent who displayed personality traits that are hallmarks of narcissism. They frequently describe estranged parents as being self-centred, attention-seeking, demanding and manipulative.

Read more: How many types of narcissist are there? A psychology expert sets the record straight

They often reported experiences of severe child maltreatment, including physical, sexual and emotional abuse, perpetrated by the estranged parent – sometimes continuing into adulthood.

Others recounted abuse by another person and described feeling betrayed when their parent failed to protect them – instead minimising, or overlooking the abuse.

Other forms of poor parenting were also commonly reported, including authoritarian parenting styles, marked by excessive criticism, demands, and conditional love and approval.

“Parentification” was also frequently mentioned, with children reporting they were expected to take on excessive household or childcare responsibilities, or relied on by their parent for emotional support.

Stigma and pressure to reconcile

Despite child maltreatment being widespread and associated with long-term mental health impacts, social norms dictate that adult children should stay connected to their parents at all costs.

These social narratives about family closeness and obligation create stigma for those who choose to walk away. Estranged children frequently describe pressure from family and friends to reconcile.

This stigma often makes estrangement a highly private experience. Many describe going to great lengths to conceal their decision, anticipating negative reactions and feeling unsupported or misunderstood when they disclose it to others, further compounding their isolation.

This highlights a troubling paradox of societal victim-blaming. Women trapped in abusive intimate relationships are often asked why they don’t leave. Yet when adult children choose to leave abusive or dysfunctional relationships with their parents they are frequently criticised and judged for doing so.

Feelings of isolation and vulnerability

The decision to cut off a relationship with a parent is rarely made lightly or suddenly. It often follows years of trying to repair or maintain the relationship. Estranged children frequently report a cyclical pattern of distancing and reunification, before finally coming to the realisation nothing will change.

Although stepping away from a parent can bring relief from a damaging relationship, estrangement is also experienced as a profound loss. In interviews with estranged adult children, many described intense grief alongside relief. Participants spoke of shock, anger, rumination and anxiety.

They also described feelings of isolation and vulnerability stemming from a reduced social network. Many said they missed the idea of having a family and the emotional, practical and financial support that can come with it.

Occasions such as birthdays and Christmas were often described as triggers for a resurfacing of grief.

Read more: Friday essay: 1 in 25 Australians have been estranged from their families. True stories about this can make people feel less alone

4 tips to get through the festive season

If you’re facing this Christmas without a parent or family member you’re estranged from, here are some tips to get through it.

1) Acknowledge and accept mixed emotions

Estrangement doesn’t erase grief. Even when estrangement offers relief and space to heal, it is still experienced as a significant loss. Accepting that relief and grief can co-exist is an important step in coping. Research shows accepting painful emotions is linked to greater wellbeing.

2) Seek validation and supportive spaces

Given the stigma associated with family estrangement, it’s important to connect with support groups or find a therapist who understands estrangement. Validation from people who understand and can relate to your experience has been shown to help you cope and reduce psychological distress.

3) Remind yourself why you made the decision

While estrangement may lead to increased feelings of isolation at this time of year, it can help to remind yourself that walking away was an adaptive response to harmful or dysfunctional family dynamics. Research shows that understanding estrangement as an act of self-protection can foster agency, self-worth and resilience.

4) Make new traditions

Surround yourself with people who respect your decision and create new traditions with friends, partners, or chosen family. Social support is associated with a range of mental health benefits, including reduced feelings of loneliness.

Estrangement may close one chapter, but it opens the possibility of beginning another. As children, we had no say in the story we were born into. As adults, we get to write the ending.