Christmas can be tricky for kids with separated parents. Here are 5 tips to help them cope
- Written by Elizabeth Westrupp, Associate Professor in Psychology, Deakin University
For many children, Christmas and other festivities are a time of excitement and joy. But for those dealing with separation – whether their parents have split up or a loved one has died – it can be tough.
We often focus on being together during the holiday season. Here are some ideas to help children cope with being apart.
Rituals are important in family life
Annual celebrations – such as Christmas, Hanukkah, Passover, Diwali, Eid and Lunar New Year – can be magic for children.
The shared joy of decorating a tree, lighting candles, unwrapping gifts or singing songs nurtures creativity and imagination. These moments can create lasting memories and reinforce a sense of belonging.
Research shows family traditions are good for parent and child wellbeing, as well as helping us all enjoy the holidays more.
But research also suggests the true value of family rituals lies in who we share them with, not what they are.
So what does this mean for children who might not be able to celebrate with everyone they love?
Managing a range of feelings
Messaging around holiday celebrations often focuses on togetherness and close family time.
This can be painful or isolating for families coping with the loss of a loved one, physical distance, conflict between family members or separation between parents.
When our current circumstances don’t align with our expectations (or the idealised images shown in advertising) holidays might evoke feelings of loss or sadness.
For children, this time of year can be especially challenging. They may feel torn or guilty about splitting time between parents or anxious about missing out on moments with one side of the family.
These emotions can be hard for children to express. They may also worry about upsetting or disappointing their parents.
However, many separated families are able to create meaningful traditions that ensure children feel loved and supported, and which become treasured memories.
Here are five tips to help you and your child cope with separation during the holidays.
1. Plan ahead
If you’re separated, avoid any last-minute confusion by coordinating with the other parent and agreeing where the child will be spending time in the holidays well in advance.
Cooperative and supportive coparenting (where both parents are working together for the benefit of the child) leads to more positive outcomes for children.
It’s not always possible. But if you can, try to:
agree to prioritise what’s best for your child. Keep conflict away from them and avoid speaking negatively about the other parent
coordinate on gift-giving and avoid competing with each other
work out how to stay connected with your child when you’re apart. You could chat over a video call, record a message or story for them or allow them to take something that reminds them of you (such as a photo, keepsake or piece of your clothing). If you’re with your child, try to be generous in facilitating these connections for the other parent.
2. Involve your children in planning
Sharing care arrangements with lots of advance warning means your child knows what to expect and has time to talk about any concerns.
Check in and allow them to express how they feel about any arrangements without judgement.
Try not to take the child’s preferences personally. Avoid adding pressure or inducing guilt (for example, “I miss you so much when you’re not with me” or “Your dad will be so disappointed if you don’t stay with him”).
3. Help them name emotions
If your child expresses they are missing one parent (or someone else they can’t be with), it’s important to validate those feelings. You can help them name their emotions, without making them feel like they have to choose between parents.
Instead, acknowledge feelings of worry, sadness or guilt. Let your child know it’s okay to miss one parent while still enjoying time with the other.
Reassure them that both parents love being with them and want them to have a wonderful time, no matter where they are.
4. Create new rituals
Rituals can be even more important for children in times of change or uncertainty – for example, if a child’s parents have recently split. They can provide a sense of predictability that fosters connection and stability.
If you can’t be together on the day, you could send a special gift along with a note. You may also be able to schedule a celebration on another day.
And if you are with your child, support them if they wish to write cards or create little gifts for other people they may be missing.
5. Look after yourself
Many adults find Christmas or other holiday celebrations stressful.
If you’re not able to be with your child or children, it may also bring up feelings of loneliness, sadness and grief.
Acknowledge your emotions and find ways to process these feelings (for example, talking with a friend, going for walks or seeking counselling).
Make plans for yourself while your child or children are away. Scheduling enjoyable self-care activities – such as spending time with friends or family, volunteering, or exploring new places – can help to ensure you have a positive holiday too.
Remember, taking care of yourself will also have flow on benefits for your child.
Authors: Elizabeth Westrupp, Associate Professor in Psychology, Deakin University
